How to Recover from the Death of a Relationship

A whole month has gone by and you're still crying yourself to sleep at night. You stare at the telephone, willing it to ring, hoping to hear his voice on the other end. You check your e-mail and mailbox thinking that there just might be a message from him. Nada. Niente. Zip! He's left you before but you were always the one trying to “make up”, believing that there were enough good things in the relationship to keep it alive. But now you think: He has left once too many times and this time, I'm not going to be the one to patch things up. I did nothing to deserve this!

If you're brave enough to come to this decision, then you better have a game plan ready because you have recognized the death of a relationship and a death requires burial. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross eloquently described the five stages of dying as denial, anger, bargaining, depress-

Ion and finally, acceptance. Your job is to identify where you are at this moment so you can move ahead to that final stage. You see, you are both the dying person and the grieving person in this process.

Something in you has died and needs to be laid to rest . The person you loved and thought you knew is gone for good and you mourn his loss. There is no set period of time for grieving. When a loved one dies physically, we mourn that loss in different ways. Some people can resume a degree of normalcy within a short time whereas others may require several years. You need to make up your mind to recover as quickly as possible.

So: what happens next? You need an action plan to maneuver through the rough spots. Here some quick tips on recovery to help you along the way.

First, let's talk about your short-term options. When you get up in the morning, go into your bathroom, look at yourself in the mirror, and repeat three times: “ I am the strongest person I know”. While it may sound a bit corny, it actually works!

Whenever what's-his-name pops into your head, say aloud: “ You can't live rent-free in my head and then move on to an activity that will distract you. Post that thought on your refrigerator door and read it several times during the week.

Remove all evidence of his presence: photos, gifts, his clothing - anything that is a reminder. Pack it up and move it out! If you aren't quite ready to do that, at least stow it away somewhere so you won't see it.

Keep a journal but write about your feelings, your progress, your setbacks. Don't use names- especially his. A few sentences is all it takes. Journaling lends a perspective on things.

Engage in some form of physical activity. Whether it's walking, biking, or exercising at the gym - or even at home, stick to a regimen.

You'll be amazed at what you can accomplish with chores around the house. Make a list of all the things you had been planning to do and tackle them one by one. Whether it's reorganizing your closets or painting the bathroom, these tasks can be extremely therapeutic.

Once a week, plan to take an inventory of where you find yourself mentally, physically, and spiritually. You can rate yourself on a scale of one to ten. Be honest with yourself.

Take a good hard look at your long-term goals. Make a list of things you would like to do and set your priorities. This can be an excellent time to explore your options. Someone once said that the best revenge is living well. Is it as easy as it sounds? Of course not! You must be willing to invest the time and energy it takes to recover.

Here are some things that you don't want to do:

1. Indulging in an eating or drinking binge.

2. Re-hashing “old tapes” in your head.

3. Talking to friends about it over and over again.

4. Trying too hard to make sense of what happened.

5. Going out on the re-bound.

You deserve better and the only one who can see to it that you get what you deserve is you!

A very fine teacher used to tell her students: “Don't ever be afraid of making a mistake. Once you've made one, consider it a perfect mistake for learning.” Every mistake we make presents us with an opportunity to learn, grow, and become a better, stronger person. Right now you're experiencing rejection disbelief, and even anger but in time, those feelings will dissipate and something far more important will emerge. One day you'll look into the mirror and say: “I am a survivor!”

To help you start feeling good about yourself again, there are several things you can do. One of them is talking to a therapist. There are many excellent licensed clinical social workers who can help you through the rough spots.

There are also many books on the market that deal with relationships and two books you might consider are:

Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends by Bruce Fisher and Robert Aliberti

If It Hurts, It Isn't Love by Chuck Spezzano

There are also several websites you may want to check out:

relatebetter.com                 lovesnotagame.com

If you are spiritually inclined, prayer helps. Reaching for your Higher Power in time of need is especially helpful. One woman recently told friends: “I have learned to pray for what God thinks I need - not necessarily what I think I want.”

You may have been spared much more than you can possibly imagine at the moment. That man you thought you knew and loved caused you temporary misery. Trying to reclaim his love would have turned you into a victim because the pattern would likely repeat itself. Celebration Time is right around the corner so take a deep breath and get started. You're going to be just fine!